OK GUYS, FORWARD THIS TO EVERY WOMAN YOU KNOW!!!!!!!!!!!! We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules !

Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us bitching about you leaving it down.

Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.

Saturday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

Don't cut your hair. Ever.Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair.

Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

Crying is blackmail.

Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints Do not work! Just say it!

We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.

Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

Check your oil! Please.

Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it's genetic.

You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.

ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. We have no idea what mauve is.

If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.

If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.

You have enough clothes.

You have too many shoes.

No NO you really do have too many shoes.

It is neither in your best interest or ours to take the quiz together. No, it doesn't matter which quiz.

BEER is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.

I'm in shape. ROUND is a shape.

Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know we really don't mind that, it's like camping..

FISHING jokes.

Fishing rule #1: The least experienced fisherman always catches the biggest fish. Fishing rule #2: The worse your line is tangled, the better is the fishing around you. Fishing rule #3: Fishing will do a lot for a man but it won't make him truthful.

******
In January 1994, at the Lake Como Fish and Game Club near Syracuse, N.Y., Brian Carr beat out three dozen competitors in the annual ice-fishing derby, with 155 catches. The temperature that day was minus 30, and the prize money for the top three anglers was $8, $6.50, and $5.

******
I think the only reason my husband likes to go fishing so much is that it's the only time he hears someone tell him, "Wow, that's a big one!"

******
A woman is in bed with her lover who also happens to be her husband's best friend. They make love for hours, and afterwards, while they're just laying there, the phone rings. Since it is the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. Her lover looks over at her and listens, only hearing her side of the conversation...

(She is speaking in a cheery voice)"Hello? Oh, hi. I'm so glad that you called.
Really? That's wonderful. I am so happy for you. that sounds terrifiic.
Great!
Thanks.
Okay.
Bye bye."
She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?"
"Oh" she replies, "that was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."

******
A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the register. There is a Wal- Mart "associate" standing there with dark shades on. She says, "Excuse me sir...can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?" He says, "Ma'am I'm blind but if you will drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound that it makes." She didn't believe him, but dropped it on the counter anyway. He said, "That's a 6' graphite rod with a Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. test line...It's a good all around rod and reel and it's $20.00". She says, "That's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it's what I'm looking for so I'll take it." He walks behind the counter to the register, and in the meantime the woman breaks wind big-time. At first she is embarrassed but then realizes that there is no way he could tell it was her...being blind he wouldn't know that she was the only person around. He rings up the sale and says, "That will be $25.50."
She says, "But didn't you say it was $20.00?"
He says, "Yes ma'am, the rod and reel is $20.00, the duck call is $3.00, and the catfish stink bait is $2.50."

******
One day a rather inebriated ice fisherman drilled a hole in the ice and peered into the hole and a loud voice said, "There are no fish down there."
He walked several yards away and drilled another hole and peered into the hole and again the voice said, :There's no fish down there."
He then walked about 50 yards away and drilled another hole and again the voice said, "There's no fish down there."
He looked up into the sky and asked, "God, is that you?"
"No, you idiot," the voice said, "it's the rink manager."

******
How do I avoid infection from biting insects?
That's easy - don't bite them

******
Man: Can I have a fly rod and reel for my son?
Fishing Shop Owner: Sorry sir we don't do trades.
******
A rich lady from California who's a tree hugger and an anti-hunter purchased a piece of timber land in Oregon. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted to get a good view of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top, she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the lady slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her private parts. In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest country doctor. Being a hunter himself, the doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help her. She sat and waited for three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry lady demanded, "What took you so long?" He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area and I'm sorry, they all turned me down."

******
This guy called John goes fishing off a pier. He finally catches a fish, and is about to put him in the cooler when he hears the fish cry out "Oh No! Please don't kill me. I'm the only talking fish in the world!" "Oh yeah?" says John "What's your name?" "I'm Rusty, the only talking salmon in the world! Please let me loose!" John thinks about it for a moment and then decides to threw Rusty back. Five years later John goes fishing at the same place where he caught Rusty and after a few hours he catches this huge salmon about 4 feet long. "Rusty?" says John. "John is that you?" asks Rusty. "Yeah, hi Rusty!" replies John. "So, watcha been doing?" questions Rusty. "Well, I've been working and keeping busy. What've you been doing, Rusty?" "Well John, while I was swimming, I found the Titanic, and it was so beautiful that I wrote a book of poems about it "Oh yeah? What's it called?" queries John. Rusty then says: "It's THE TITANIC VERSES, by SALMON RUSTY!"

******
The manager of a small business and his secretary decided to go over to her place for some "gymnastics". Afterwards, they both fall asleep. When the manager wakes up and looks at his watch, he discovers that it is after 8 o'clock in the evening. He jumps up and is panicked because he has to go home to face his wife. He tells the secretary to quickly take his shoes out into the yard and rub them around in the grass. He finishes dressing and goes home. When the man opens the door to the house, his wife is standing in the doorway fuming and asks him where the hell he's been until 8:30 in the evening? The man calmly replies that he and his secretary are having an affair and that they had fallen asleep after going to her place this afternoon. His wife examined him very carefully and when she glimpsed his shoes, she exclaims: "You liar, you've been FISHING!"

******
A fisherman was surf fishing along the beach and found a bottle. He looked around and didn't see anyone so he opened the bottle. A genie appeared and thanked the man for letting him out. The genie said, "I am so grateful to get out of that bottle that I will grant you any wish, but I can only grant one." The man thought for a while and finally said, "I have always wanted to go to Hawaii and fish along the beautiful beaches of Hawaii. I've never been able to go because I cannot fly. Airplanes are much too frightening for me. On a boat, I see all that water and I become very claustrophobic. So I wish for a road to be built from here to Hawaii. The genie thought for a few minutes and finally said, "No, I don't think I can do that. Just think of all the work involved. Consider all the piling needed to hold up a highway and how deep they would have to go to reach the bottom of the ocean. Imagine all the pavement needed. No, that is just too much to ask." The man thought for a few minutes and then told the genie, "There is one other thing I have always wanted. I would like to be able to understand women. What makes them laugh and cry, why are they temperamental, why are they so difficult to get along with, when they want attention, when they don't. Basically, what makes them tick." The genie considered for a few minutes and said, "So, do you want two lanes or four?"

******
A guy takes his greenhorn wife hunting on a ranch. When they reach their deer blinds, the guy says, "If you shoot a deer, be sure not to let somebody else say he's the one who shot it. Otherwise, he'll take the deer from you. The deer belongs to whoever shoots it." The guy goes to his own blind. Ten minutes later, he hears his wife shooting from her blind nearby. He rushes over and finds her pointing her rifle at a cowboy who's hollering, "All right, lady, all right--you can have the goddamn deer! Just let me get my saddle off it!"

******Ice Fishing
Billy Bob and Jethro decide to go ice fishing. After arriving at the lake early in the morning, they cut two holes in the lake and drop in their lines in the water. After fishing for a few hours, Billy Bob has caught dozens of fish while Jethro hasn't even gotten a bite. Jethro asks, "Billy Bob, what's your secret?" Billy Bob answers, "Mmu motta meep da mmrms mmrm." Jethro asks, "What did you say?" Billy Bob answers, "Mmu motta meep da mmrms mmrm." Jethro again asks, "What?" Billy Bob spits into his hand and says, "You gotta keep the worms warm!"

******
World Record
There was a priest that loved to stream fish. One year there was a problem every time he had a chance to go fishing the weather was bad or it was on Sunday, when he had to work. All year he was unable to go. Finally it was the last week before the streams closed. The weather was bad all week until Sunday, when the weather was great. The priest could not resist, he called a fellow priest claiming to be very sick and asked if he could take over his sermon. The flyfishing priest drove over 200 miles, not wishing to see anyone he knew. An angel seeing the priest playing hooky went to God and said "Your not going to let him get away with this are you?". God agreed he should do something . The first cast the priest made was perfect. The fly floated past a log and a huge mouth gulped the fly down. For 45 minutes the priest ran up and down the stream fighting the mighty fish. At the end he held a 50" world record rainbow trout. Confused the angel asked God, "What are you doing?". God replied "Think about it, who's he going to tell?"

******
>NON FISHING JOKES

A man fell asleep on the beach under the noonday sun and suffered a
severe sunburn and heatstroke. He was taken to the hospital where his skin
was a bright red, painful and started to blister.
Anything that touched him caused agony. The doctor prescribed
continued intravenous feedings of water and electrolytes, a mild sedative, and
Viagra.
"What good will Viagra do him in that condition?" the nurse inquired.
The doctor replied, "It will keep the sheet off of him."
**************

A new guy in town walks into a bar and notices a very large jar behind
the counter which is filled to the brim with ten dollar bills. The man
guesses there must be thousands of dollars in it and approaches the bartender
to ask: "What's up with the jar?"
Bartender: "Well, you pay ten dollars and if you pass three tests,
then you get all the money."
Man: "What are the three tests?"
Bartender: "Pay first. Those are the rules."
So the guy gives him the ten bucks and the bartender adds it to the
jar. Bartender: "OK, here's what you have to do.

First you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the WHOLE
thing at once AND, you can't make a face while doing it.
Second, there is a pit bull chained up out back with a sore tooth...you have to remove the
tooth with your bare hands.
Third, there is a 90 year old woman upstairs who's never had an orgasm in her life. You gotta make things right for her."
Man: "Well, I know I've paid my ten bucks but I'm not an idiot, I
won't do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of tequila and it gets
crazier from there."
Bartender: "Your call, but your money stays in the jar."
Well, as time goes on and the man drinks a few, he asks "Wherez zat
teeqeelah?" He grabs the gallon of tequila with both hands and downs
it with a big slurp. Tears are streaming down his cheeks, but he doesn't make
a face.
Next he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear a huge
scuffle going on. They hear barking and screams, yelps and growling, and
eventually silence. Just when they think the man must surely be dead, he staggers
back into the bar, his shirt ripped and big scratches all over his body.

"NOW," he says, "where's that old lady with the sore tooth?"

*******

While carpenters were working outside the old house I had just bought, I busied myself with indoor cleaning. I had just finished washing the floor when one of the workmen asked to use the bathroom.
With dismay I looked from his muddy boots to my newly scrubbed floors. "Just a minute," I said, thinking of a quick solution. "I'll put down newspapers."
"That's all right, lady," he responded. "I'm already trained."

*******

I was getting my hair cut at a neighborhood shop, and I asked the barber when would be the best time to bring in my two-year-old son. Without hesitation, the barber answered, "When he's four."

*****

Chivalry is not dead.

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight mini skirt. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step, and, once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"
The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends.

*****

Rubber Wear
A dentist I know recounts sharing this story with an elderly lady, just as he was putting on his rubber gloves:
"Do you know how they make these rubber gloves?" She said, "No."
"Well," he spoofed, "down in Puerto Rico they have this big building set up with a large tank of latex, and the natives walk up to the tank, and dip their hands in -- and then walk around for a bit while
the latex sets up -- then they peel off the gloves and throw them into the big 'Finished Goods Crate' and go around again."
She didn't laugh a bit.
Five minutes later, during the procedure, he had to stop working on her teeth because she burst out laughing. She explained, "I just suddenly thought about how they must make condoms!"

*****

A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car. The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead. The driver feels so awful that begins to cry.

A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over. She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong. "I feel terrible," he explains, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it." The blonde says,"Don't worry." She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can.
She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down, and sprays the contents onto the rabbit. The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road. Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road, another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again, until he hops out of sight. The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands,
"What is in that can?
What did you spray on that rabbit?" The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label.

It says..........................

(Are you ready for this?)

(Are you sure?)

(This is bad!)

(You know you could just click off and not read the punch line)

(You know you're gonna be sorry)

(Last chance)

(OK, here it is)

It says, "Hair Spray - Restores life to dead hair, adds permanent wave."

*****

Research Department

An environmental research graduate was recently assigned to be liaison for his company to their Japanese partners. This meant having to move to Japan. He did so and spent the first two weeks going from geisha-house to geisha-house in between picking up the lingo. His first night out, while in the act, the geisha cried out
"Yaki-san! Yaki-san!"

This occurred again on each of the subsequent nights. Eventually the research guy figured out it must be some sort of compliment on his ability and endurance.

Some time later he was golfing with a group of the Japanese
partners. One of them stepped up, swung and sunk a hole in one. He jumped up and
down in joy. The researcher, eager to show off his Japanese yelled out:

"Yaki-san! Yaki-san!"

The partners stopped celebrating and turned to him. "What do
you mean, 'wrong hole'?"

******

THE OLD COUPLE
An older couple was driving north on the M74 and a traffic car pulled them over.The cop said to the guy, "Let me see your license."

Well, the lady being slightly hard of hearing said, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
"He said that he want to see my license" her husband replied.

The cop then explained, "I stopped you because you have a tail light burned out."
Again, the lady screamed "WHAT DID HE SAY??"
And her husband told her, "He said that I had a light burned out."

After looking at the man's licence, the cop leaned into the car and said, "I see you're from Silloth. You know, the worst sex that I ever had in my life was in Silloth."
And once more the wife yelled, "WHAT DID HE SAY?*****

To which her husband replied, "He says he thinks he knows you!"

*****

BLOND JOKES

Apparently in the USA blond jokes are used in place of Irish jokes. The inference being that all blonds are about the same specific gravity as lead. I don't happen to agree with that but I know a lot of very nice Irish people who are certainly NOT dense and unfortunately I only know two blonds - which is sad - and both are, well let me say NOT the sharpest tools in the box - sorry girls.

A blonde pulls over at the gas station, gets out of her car, opens the hood, and checks the engine oil.

After a few seconds of intelligent thinking, she takes the dipstick in her hand and, raising her chest high, walks up to the attendant.

"Excuse me sir, but can I buy a longer dipstick?"

"May I ask why you need a longer one ma'am?"

Because this one isn't long enough to reach the oil!

****************

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. When it was her turn.She rolled the dice and she landed on "Science & Nature."

Her question was, If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"She thought for a time and then asked, Is it in or off??

*****

Mom's Passed On

A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out.

Her bossconcerned about all his employees well being asked sympathetically,"What's the matter?" To which the blonde replies... "Early this morning I got a phone callsaying that my mother had passed away."

The boss feeling very sorry at this point explains to the young girl."Why don't you go home for the day... we aren't terribly busy just takethe day off to relax and rest."

The blonde very calmly states, "No.. I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here."

The boss agrees and allows the blond to work as usual, "If you needanything just let me know."

Well a few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde so helooks out over his office and sees the blonde crying hysterically.

He rushes out to her asking, "What's so bad now... are you gonna be okay?"

No... exclaims the blonde, "I just received a horrible call from mysister and she said that her mom died too!"

*************************

Bumper Stickers

Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar.
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing!
He who laughs last thinks slowest!
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
There's too much blood in my caffeine system.
I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac.
Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control!
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
I won't rise to the occasion, but I'll slide over to it.
Assassins do it from behind.
If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
I used to have a handle on life, then it broke.
Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.
Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
"Criminal Lawyer" is a redundancy.
I love cats ... they taste just like chicken
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
Cover me. I'm changing lanes.
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools
Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep
I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather...Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car ...
Montana -- At least our cows are sane!
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an IDIOT!
When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS.
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
When there's a will, I want to be in it!
Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?
If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
Time is the best teacher; unfortunately it kills all its students!
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
Reality? That's where the pizza delivery guy comes from!
Forget about World Peace...Visualize Using Your Turn Signal !
Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated.
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'...till you can find a rock.
2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.
I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with subatomic particles.
3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
I'm a corporate executive -- I keep things from happening.
If Clinton is the answer, it was a stupid question.
Lobotomies for Democrats: It's the law.
Where are we going and why am I in this handbasket?
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Back Up My Hard Drive? How do I Put it in Reverse?
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
He's not dead -- He's electroencephalographically challenged.
She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the June Flower.
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.
A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.
Dancing is a vertical expression of a horizontal desire.
When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
Two wrongs are only the beginning.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
A fool and his money are soon partying.
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.
Half the people you know are below average.
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED

1. No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2. When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3. If your sister hits you, don't hit back. They always catch the second person.
4. Never ask your 3 year-old brother to hold a tomato.
5. You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6. Reading what people write on desks can teach you a lot.
7. Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
8. Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a breath mint.
9. Never hold a vacuum and a cat at the same time.
10. School lunches stick to the wall.
11. You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.

******
It was a stifling hot day and a man fainted in the middle of a busy intersection. Traffic quickly piled up in all directions while a woman rushed to help him. When she knelt down to loosen his collar, a man emerged from the crowd, pushed her aside, and said, "It's all right honey, I've had a course in first aid."
The woman stood up and watched as he took the ill man's pulse and prepared to administer artificial respiration. At this point she tapped him on the shoulder and said,
"When you get to the part about calling a doctor, I'm already here."

******
What do you do if a blonde throws a pin at you?
A: Run like hell she's got a grenade in her mouth.


******
Life is so simple .....
HOW A MAN CAN IMPRESS A WOMAN:
Compliment her,
cuddle her,
kiss her,
caress her,
love her,
stroke her,
tease her,
comfort her,
protect her,
hug her,
hold her,
spend money on her,
wine & dine her,
buy things for her,
listen to her,
care for her,
stand by her,
support her,
go to the ends of the earth for her.

HOW A WOMAN CAN IMPRESS A MAN:
Show up naked.
Bring Beer

******
A guy and his buddies go off for a week long fishing trip. When he returns he is furious with his wife, he say's "you forgot to pack my underwear".
Her reply " I put it in your tackle box "

******
Desperate in the desert.
An Arab was walking through the Sahara desert, desperate for water, when he saw something, far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he walked towards the image, only to find a little old Jewish man sitting at a card table with a bunch of neckties laid out on it. The Arab asked "Please, I'm dying of thirst, can I have some water?".
The man replied "I don't have any water, but why don't you buy a tie? Here's one that goes nicely with our robes." The Arab shouted, "I don't want a tie, you idiot, I need water!" "OK, don't buy a tie. But to show you what a nice guy I am, I'll tell you that over that hill there, about 4 miles, is a nice restaurant. Walk that way, they'll give you all the water you want."
The Arab thanked him and walked away towards the hill and eventually disappeared. Three hours later the Arab came crawling back to where the man was sitting behind his card table.
He said "I told you, about 4 miles over that hill. Couldn't you find it?"
The Arab rasped "I found it alright. They wouldn't let me in without a tie."

******
Three bears
It's a sunny morning in the Big Forest and the Bear family are just waking up. Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty!
"Who's been eating my porridge?!" he squeaks.
Daddy Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl. It is also empty!
"Who's been eating my porridge?!" he roars.
Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and screams, "For God's sake, how many times do we have to go through this? I haven't even made the f***ing porridge yet!!"

******
Car trouble
An eskimo is driving through Los Angeles and his car breaks down. He pulls into a service station and the attendant says he'll take a look at it. Being summertime, the eskimo is going bonkers from the heat. "Is there an ice cream store around here?" the eskimo asks, panting. "Yeah, right across the street." the attendant replies. So while his car is being checked out, the eskimo goes across the street and orders a large vanilla ice-cream cone. He gets his ice cream and swallows it in one gulp. He then orders three more vanilla cones and rubs them all over his face to cool himself down. Feeling contented, the eskimo goes back across the street to check on his car. "What does it look like?" the eskimo asks the mechanic. The attendant replies "It looks like you've blown a seal." To which the eskimo replies: "What the hell do you mean, it's just ice-cream for heaven's sake."

******
Elephant nuts
A customer walks into a restaurant and notices a large sign on the wall: $500 IF WE FAIL TO FILL YOUR ORDER! When his waitress arrives, he orders elephant nuts on rye. She calmly writes down his order and walks into the kitchen where all hell breaks loose! The restaurant owner comes storming out of the kitchen. He runs up to the customer's table, slaps five $100 bills down on it and says, "You got me that time buddy, but I want you to know that's the first time in ten years we've been out of rye bread!"

******
Talking animals
A highly skilled ventriloquist is visiting his friend the farmer. The ventriloquist tells the farmer his animals can talk. The farmer doesn't believe him, of course so the ventriloquist projects his voice on the horse. "Hi Farmer Brown" says the horse. The farmer is amazed.The ventriloquist does this to all of the other animals but as the farmer walks through the barnyard he gets a worried look on his face. He stops his friend and says "before we go any further I want you to know that the sheep lie!"

******
Milking the milkweed
A guy knocks on a farmer's door. The farmer answers, and the man says, "I see you have a field of milkweed over there. I was wondering if you'd mind if I brought my containers over and got some milk from them."
"Uhhh, you can't get milk from milkweed, son," replied the farmer.
"Oh, but I'm sure I can."
"Well, then, be my guest!" the farmer finally consents, with a laugh.

A couple of hours later, the man returns with a few containers full of milk to thank the farmer, who is dumbfounded.
A few weeks later, the man returns. "I see you have of buttercups over there," he says, and continues to ask if he can get some butter from them.
Again, the farmer chuckles to himself, but eventually lets the man go try as he may to get butter from his buttercups. A while later, the man returns with containers filled with butter to thank the farmer, who is very confused and amazed.

A few more weeks pass, and the man returns once again to the farmer's door. "I see you have a field of pussy willows over there."
The farmer immediately snatches his jacket and exclaims, "This time, I'm coming with you!"

******

DEEP hole
Two guys are walking through the woods and come across this big deep hole. "Wow...that looks deep." "Sure does...toss a few pebbles in there and see how deep it is."
They pick up a few pebbles and throw them in and wait... no noise "Jeeez. That is REALLY deep... here.. throw one of these great big rocks down there. Those should make a noise." They pick up a couple football-sized rocks and toss them into the hole and wait... and wait. Nothing.
They look at each other in amazement. One gets a determined look on his face and says, "Hey...over here in the weeds, there's a railway sleeper. Help me carry it over here. When we toss THAT sucker in, it's GOTTA make some noise." The two drag the heavy sleeper over to the hole and heave it in. Not a sound comes from the hole.
Suddenly, out of the nearby woods, a goat appears, running like the wind. It rushes toward the two men, then right past them, running as fast as it's legs will carry it. Suddenly it leaps in the air and into the hole. The two men are astonished with what they've just seen... Then, out of the woods comes a farmer who spots the men and ambles over. "Hey... you two guys seen my goat out here?"
"You bet we did! Craziest thing I ever seen! It came running like crazy and just jumped into this hole!" "Nah", says the farmer, "That couldn't have been MY goat. My goat was chained to a railway sleeper."

******
Happy New Year!!
'Twas the week after Christmas, and all through the house
Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.
The cookies I'd nibbled, the eggnog I'd taste
At the holiday parties had gone to my waist.
When I got on the scales there arose such a number!
When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber).
I'd remember the marvelous meals I'd prepared;
The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared,
The wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheese
And the way I'd never said, "No thank you, please."
As I dressed myself in my husband's old shirt
And prepared once again to do battle with dirt---
I said to myself, as I only can
"You can't spend a winter disguised as a man!"
So--away with the last of the sour cream dip,
Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip
Every last bit of food that I like must be banished
"Till all the additional ounces have vanished.
I won't have a cookie--not even a lick.
I'll want only to chew on a long celery stick.
I won't have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie,
I'll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.
I'm hungry, I'm lonesome, and life is a bore---
But isn't that what January is for?
Unable to giggle, no longer a riot.
Happy New Year to all and to all a good diet!

******
Q & A
Q. When do you care for a man's company?
A. When he owns it.

Q. Why do men get married?
A. So they don't have to hold their stomachs in any more.

Q. How do you get your man to do situps?
A. Put the remote between his feet.

Q. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Five: One to actually do the screwing - four to listen to him brag about it.

Q. Why do men buy electric lawn mowers?
A. So they can find their way back to the house.

Q. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night? A. A widow.

Q. Why are married women heavier than single women?
A. Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed while married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

******
Politicians and nappies have one thing in common.
They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.

******
Arithmetic
Little Johnny returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
"Why?" asks the father.
"The teacher asked, 'How much is 2x3?' I said '6' !"
"But that's right!"
"Then she asked me, 'How much is 3x2?'"
"What's the f**k**g difference?"
"That's exactly what I said!"

******
International relations
Stranded on a desert island we have:

2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
2 French men and 1 French woman
2 German men and 1 German woman
2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
2 English men and 1 English woman
2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman
2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman
2 American men and 1 American woman
2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman

One month later on this absolutely stunning deserted island in the middle of the Pacific, the following events have transpired:
One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.
The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a menage a trois.
The 2 German men have a strict weekly schedule of when they alternate with the German woman.
The 2 Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.
The 2 English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.
The Bulgarian men took a long look at the endless ocean and one look at the Bulgarian woman and started swimming.
The two American men have formed a joint-venture to start an island food distribution company and are collaborating on cornering the coconut market, while the American woman keeps bitching about her body being her own, the true nature of feminism, how she can do anything the men can do, about the need for spiritual fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her much nicer and how her relationship with her mother is improving. But at least the taxes are low and enough shade that her complexion is not suffering unduly.
The two Japanese men have fused beach sand into transistors, which they used to build a satellite transmitter and have faxed Tokyo for instructions about what to do next.

The Irish began by dividing the island into North and South and by setting up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few liters of coconut Whiskey, but they are satisfied in that at least the English are not getting any.

******
THE PICK UP PUT DOWN
Man: "Haven't we met before?"
Woman: "Perhaps. I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic."

Man: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."

Man: "Is this seat empty?"
Woman: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."

Man: "So, wanna go back to my place ?"
Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"

Man: "Your place or mine?"
Woman: "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."

Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Woman: "It's in the phone book."
Man: "But I don't know your name."
Woman: "That's in the phone book too."

Man: "So what do you do for a living?"
Woman: "I'm a female impersonator."

Man: "Hey, baby, what's your sign?"
Woman: "Do not Enter"

Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
Woman: "Unfertilized !"

Man: "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason"
Woman: "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"

Man: "I know how to please a woman."
Woman: "Then please leave me alone."

Man: "I want to give myself to you."
Woman: "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."

Man: "If I could see you naked, I'd die happy:
Woman: "Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing".

Man: "Your body is like a temple."
Woman: "Sorry, there are no services today."

Man: "I'd go through anything for you."
Woman: "Good! Let's start with your bank account."

Man: "I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: "Yes, but would you stay there?

******
A wife asks her husband, "Honey, if I died, would you remarry?" "After a considerable period of grieving, I guess I would. We all need companionship."
"If I died and you remarried," the wife asks, "would she live in this house?" "We've spent a lot of money getting this house just the way we want it. I'm not going to get rid of my house. I guess she would."
"If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house," the wife asks, "would she sleep in our bed?" "Well, the bed is brand new, and it cost us $2,000. It's going to last a long time, so I guess she would."
"If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house and slept in our bed, would she use my golf clubs?"
"Oh, no," the husband replies. "She's left-handed."

******
Some extracts from employee assessments:-
He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless.
He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier.
I would like to go hunting with him sometime.
He's been working with glue too much.
He would argue with a sign post.
He has a knack for making strangers immediately.
He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room.
When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell.
If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one.
A photographic memory with the lens over the cap.
A prime candidate for natural deselection.
He donated his brain to science before he was done using it.
The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
He has two brains, one is lost, the other is out looking for it.
If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
If you gave him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change.
If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
One neuron short of a synapse.
Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he only gargled.
The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.
It's hard to believe that he beat out 100,000 other sperm.
Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.
I would not allow this employee to breed.
This employee is really not so much of a has been, but more of a definitely won't be.
Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.
When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet.
He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.
This young lady has delusions of adequacy.

******
Q. What does the agnostic dyslexic insomniac do at night?
A. Lies awake wondering whether there really is a dog.

******
An ugly, but well dressed guy walks into a bar and sits down on a stool next to a beautiful woman. After a couple of minutes pass he turns to her and asks, "Would you be willing to go to bed with me for a million pounds"? She hesitates for a few seconds and then says, "Yes for a million pounds, I would." The man than asks, "Would you go to bed with me for five pounds"? The woman gets angry and says, "just what do you think I am"? The man says, "We have already established that. All we are doing now is haggling over price."

******
A man had tickets to the Cup Final right at the half way line. As he sits down, a second man comes down & asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him. "No," he says, "the seat is empty." "This is incredible", said the second man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Cup and not use it?" "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Cup Final we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967." "Oh...I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else - a friend or relative, or even a neighbor - to take the seat?" The first man shakes his head "No. They're all at the funeral."

******
How one Christmas tradition got started...
Christmas Eve is supposed to be a happy time, but this year it wasn't.
Santa was really pissed, NOTHING was going right. Mrs. Claus had burnt the Christmas cookies, the elves were complaining about not getting paid for the overtime they had put in while making toys, and the reindeer had been drinking all afternoon and were dead drunk.
They had taken the sleigh out for a spin earlier in the day and crashed it into a tree, breaking off one of the runners.
Santa was beside himself with anger. "I CAN'T believe it! I've got to deliver millions of presents all over the world in just a few hours from now and all my reindeer are drunk and my elves are on strike. I don't even have a Christmas tree! I sent that stupid Little Angel out HOURS ago to find a tree and he isn't even back yet! What am I going to do?"
Just then the Little Angel opened the front door and stepped in from the snowy night, dragging a Christmas Tree.
He said, "Yo, Big Fat Man, where do you want me to stick the Christmas Tree this year?"

And that's how the tradition of the Angel being perched atop the Christmas tree came to pass.

******
What is the difference between men and women:
A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

******
How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
It's not hard.

******
What's the difference between kinky and perverted?
Kinky is using a feather, perverted is using the whole chicken.

******
A vet had had a really rough day at his office. When he finally got home from tending to all the sick animals his wife was waiting with a long cool drink and a romantic candle-lit dinner, after which they had a few more drinks and went happily to bed.
At about 1:00 in the morning, the phone rang. "Is this the vet?" asked an elderly lady's voice. "Yes, it is", replied the vet,out of breath "Is this an emergency?" "Well, sort of", said the elderly lady, "there's cats on the roof outside making a terrible noise mating and I can't get to sleep. What can I do about it?"
There was a sharp intake of breath from the vet, who then patiently replied "Open the window and yell that they are wanted on the phone" "Really?" said the elderly lady, "Will that stop them?" "Should do," said the vet, " "IT JUST STOPPED ME!"

**********

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